Sunday, March 20, 2016

Yes, porn is a big deal

Dear Rhonda and Dr. Cheri,

My heart is broken. I’m the mom of a 12-year-old boy who is watching porn. I mean really awful porn, like groups together and worse. One is so violent against the woman in it, I can’t believe he thinks this is all right.

He was brought up to be respectful and polite. Be a gentleman to girls. He doesn’t seem to even be interested in girls (or boys – in case you are wondering if he’s gay).

My husband used to be infatuated with a celebrity. I caught him using her pictures as if they were pornography. It nearly destroyed our marriage. I couldn’t trust him anymore and I couldn’t make love to him.
We went to therapy a few times. He said that was enough and he told me he wasn’t doing that anymore, but then I caught him with another video of her. He got mad that time and said it wasn’t a big deal.

Our son had just been born when I caught my husband the first time. Then our son was a toddler when I caught him the next time.

My husband didn’t want to make love to me anymore because I gained weight. I feel so depressed and now I’m so sad that my son is doing the same thing!

I took his phone away and he said he’d just look at porn at school because that’s what “they” all do. I asked him if it was girls too and he shot me a look like I was the dumbest mom on earth. Is porn really okay now with everyone? 

Signed,
Porn is a Big Deal

Dear Mom, 

We could not agree more with you about pornography being a Big Deal. One of the simple definitions of porn is imagery intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings. In other words, it’s sex vs romance.

Your husband has been carrying on with fake relationships in fake realities and you’ve had to deal with real emotions, feelings and hardships, like the following:
• Real feelings of hurt that causes emotional pain for years, if not for life
• Anxiety over feeling real shattered self-worth with such high expectations from the “perfect person” who is “involved” with your spouse
• Tears that are so deep that real sadness turns into depression with real consequences of damaging mental health
• Shame from real feelings of body imperfections and sexual performance expectations
• Fear that you won’t be able to recapture real trust, comfort, and genuine love
• Frustration that “someone” who is unreal has really captured your spouse in a type of adultery

Your son may make detrimental choices like losing interest, over time, in finding love altogether because those who consistently use porn often, have been proven to lose interest in real relationships where compromise, acceptance, time, and energy for romance is too challenging.

Our “new norm” has created real pessimism associated with feelings that are cynical about love in general, less trust in romantic partners, and lessened interest in marriage and family.
All of you need to get family therapy now! Take into account the following stats for your son and his peers:
• 93 percent of boys and 63 percent of girls see porn before the age of 18
• The first exposure to pornography among boys is 12 years old, on average
• 27 percent of 16 to 18-year-olds have unintentionally been exposed to pornography online

We hope you start a support group in your community and that it spreads to all communities to stop the “No Big Deal” porn. Porn’s invading our families and stopping spiritual growth, love, and relationships.

Relationships are the only thing we can take with us forever! Keep it REAL!

Signed,
Rhonda and Dr. Cheri

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