Monday, January 19, 2015

Virgin No More



Dear Rhonda and Dr. Cheri,                                                        


I had a great time when I was young until I was 13 and my mom and dad (who I thought had a perfect marriage … we all ate together and stuff like that), got divorced.

I had to choose who to live with and that made my dad really mad because I went with my mom. My mom went crazy and started drinking and junk like that and sleeping with guys and left me alone all the time. I didn’t do any of those things until last year when I was 14.

So, yeah, I started partying and my good grades went off the charts. I gained weight and I had a boyfriend when I was 13 but he kept bugging me to sleep with him and I didn’t. Then when I went to high school he said he never was my boyfriend! It really really hurt my feelings when he started calling me fat and that I look like a boy. He kept saying he never dated me. All his friends started writing that crap on Face Book and stuff. So I just kept numbing out with drugs.

Now I was put into rehab and my dad did it. My mom is really the one who needed to go so I’m kinda mad at my dad for that … he makes me feel like I’m a criminal or something like that, so yeah.

The reason my dad finally did that is when I told him that that guy, who I thought used to like me, came to my bedroom window late one night and got me to come outside. All he said was, “I’m gonna have sex with you” and I let him. I was a virgin and I don’t know why I let him do that. Then he kept ignoring me and bullying me at school and on Face Book. But I don’t wanna tell anyone.

I hate myself. I’m fat and ugly and no one loves me.

Signed,
Virgin No More

Dear Virgin No More,

First, you need to know that a “perfect” marriage does not exist! We are all imperfect but remember we are perfectly loved by our Lord. Don’t carry that heavy burden with you anymore. 

You have experienced great losses. Loosing your mom and your family (in essence) also means you don’t feel their nurturing and love anymore. Your dad is showing anger at you which you did not cause and you don’t deserve. You lost a boyfriend that wasn’t ever really a boyfriend and you have lost your self-worth. You need to grieve instead of “numbing-out” and you need to remember that you are still worthy of being loved, nurtured and cared about regardless of the actions of others and even your actions while under great distress.
Start helping yourself with grooming. Start caring about how you look on the outside because it projects how you feel on the inside. It will help you to not be as vulnerable to bullying.

Betrayal is a very hard emotion to take on your young shoulders. We are happy for you; however, because your dad showed nurturing and love by getting you help in a rehab facility. If you are not receiving private counseling, you are old enough to seek that with or without your dad’s permission. He may be very happy that you want professional help with grieving.

It may not feel like your dad did anything besides get angry but we know that he did take a positive action step for you. He is probably projecting anger onto you instead of those that he really feels anger towards.

Your mom and dad are grieving their losses too … not that we excuse their behavior and self-centeredness. Your mom grieves with drugs and sex and your dad with anger. However, you are taking that upon you as if it’s your shame. You are carrying shame around that you never wanted and don’t deserve.

You cannot change your mom, dad, or that guy that hurt you badly. Take time out everyday to pray, or ponder the goodness in you, and forgive yourself. Write down all the shame you feel and give it back to your parents who hurt you and the boy who bullied you and release your fears and pain.

If you can’t or aren’t willing to actually give it back to your parents and the boy, write it down and tear it up and flush it down the toilet! You are worthy of being loved by virtue of being a child of our Heavenly Father. You were born with goodness, love, and innocence. Grab those good attributes back and write a love letter to yourself. Reread your letter in the mirror every morning to affirm that you are a great being and your job here is to forgive, define yourself and become a grand leader.

Signed,

Rhonda and Dr. Cheri


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