Saturday, September 27, 2014

Unforgiving 3.17.14

Dear Rhonda and Dr. Cheri,

I’m a grandmother who has a daughter that constantly texts insulting remarks to her daughter, my granddaughter. They use horrible language and say the vilest things to each other.  My granddaughter then comes to my house after school and shows me the conversations. I’m appalled and disgusted.

I never spoke like that and neither did my husband or any of our other children. I always thought we were a civil and loving family.  I told my granddaughter that I’m sure her mom doesn’t mean it. My granddaughter told me, “I know, it’s just the way it is."

My daughter told me it was none of my business when I tried talking about it with her. I told my daughter that my family is my business and having civility is what we taught in our family.  My granddaughter walked in when we were talking about it and scolded me for being so hard on her mom?! She told me that I need to be more forgiving. She told me she forgives her mom all the time and that way it doesn’t ruin their relationship!

Should I just stay out of it?


Dear Unforgiving,

You are a dear, loving and caring family member and we congratulate you on your desire to promote civility. Thank you! It’s a much needed virtue in our society. 

The issue here isn’t about forgiveness as much as it is about having civility to one another. You recognize that we all need to be families and a society that depends upon having good healthy relationships with each other.

Ask your daughter and granddaughter if politeness, courtesy, kindness, respect, graciousness, consideration and love matters to them?  If they say yes (hopefully), then ask them to start treating each other in a civil manner that reflects the above mentioned values or, “it’s just the way it is” means they are accepting maltreatment between one another.

Maltreatment is one of the definitions of bullying. Tell them to please change their actions and become caring members of a caring family and society before they spread this horrible behavior and contribute to our society’s ills. The “ills” of bullying include the increase of suicides and Sociopaths (BTW-Sociopaths have zero ability to have empathy for others).

Thank you for trying to make, “the way it is” into “the way it should be” and must be. Remember that when you have given your one hundred percent towards creating harmony and decency with your loved ones (and it sounds as if you have done that) you have done your best. You cannot force anyone to behave well. It's not your fault. Don't let it weigh you down. Everyone has their own free will to make their own choices. Just continue to love them and be a good example. Your good example says who you are.

Our prayers are with you.

Rhonda and Dr. Cheri

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