Saturday, September 27, 2014

Stupid Without Sex

Dear Rhonda and Dr. Cheri,                                 

I’m 12 and I just got a boyfriend. Everyone I know has a boyfriend. You are weird if you don’t. I love him. He wants to have sex and I feel like I will soon but not yet and he gets mad at me and won’t talk to me for a couple of days. Then he says he’s sorry but says I’m being a little baby because I won’t have sex with him yet. Why is he so pushy? But my girlfriends are having sex. I’m scared but I feel stupid.

Stupid Without Sex

Dear Stupid Without Sex,

How sad that you ended your thoughts feeling stupid about yourself because you are not ready to have sex. How great that you don’t feel ready to have sex in sixth grade. Too bad your girlfriends don’t see the damage train chugging along after them.

We are very happy that you wrote to us because you are feeling bullied into having sex when you are not old enough. Trust your instincts. They are there for a reason … a warning. 

Having sex so young will most likely make you feel like an object. We advocate waiting until you are married and mature enough to handle true love.

What does that mean?

You may feel treated like an object instead of a person. You may be treated like a girl who has no feelings or needs … especially when you are being “pushed” into something you don’t want to do. This means your boyfriend is being manipulative, disrespecting and mistreating you. What YOU want doesn’t matter to your “boyfriend”.

Take your power back and drop him. Listen to these facts which may make you a strong leader for yourself and your friends. YOU can help them to not fall into the same trap.

Facts (from diverse journals and articles):

•    Those who have a boyfriend at a young age are more likely to have sex at that young age and then have many more “boyfriends” (such as every six to eight weeks). This can make you feel worthless and numb. It can lead you to use drugs and alcohol in order to escape that numb feeling and/ or pain from so much loss and feelings of grief.
•     You loose your voice when you pretend you want something that you don’t really want yet. Loosing your voice means that you aren’t  expressing your needs, wants and feelings because you are having sex to feel loved and/ or accepted by your boyfriend who  could be having sex to fulfill his bodily needs and curiosity. Even if he also wants love and acceptance, he doesn’t have the right to “push” you into anything you don’t want.
•    Having sex too young may cause great feelings of anxiety and depression and will create feelings of regret and over-whelming feelings of loss of power and control.
•    Having sex at such a young age means statistically that you will have more sexual relations as you age and you may feel confused about what “normal” sex is and what real love is about which can cause serious problems as you get older and marry.
•    You aren’t experiencing “dating” which leads to having lots of friends and lots of fun until you find the right person for you – someone who is like you and respects you! You may get frustrated about yourself and feel guilty (especially if you have a religious upbringing). And if you do have a religious background, please pray about this and go to your clergyperson or your parents.
•    Your chances of getting Sexually Transmitted Diseases (even with oral sex) at your age (with an average of a new “boyfriend” every six to eight weeks) along with pregnancy are very very high. That will make you feel very badly about yourself in your future. You also increase your chances of contracting HIV and/ or Aids.
•    12% of 12 year olds have touched each other underneath their clothing and 6% have touched each others’ genitals. Decide now that you won’t do that and you’ll have the strength to say no.
•    In fact practice saying no out loud and ask God to help you.

So we ask you to say no now to protect yourself and make you feel great about who you are and not about what sexual attraction you are receiving. That can be a very empty feeling.

Define yourself with integrity, dignity and love. If you love yourself enough to do this now, you will be a great leader to others girls and that can start a domino effect.

Best to you! Good for you for caring about yourself. If you don’t care about yourself, the bullies will come out of the cracks and pounce on your weaknesses!

Let us know how well you learn to say no. We want to hear from you in any case. We care.


Dear Rhonda and Dr. Cheri

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