Saturday, June 28, 2014

Ashamed Man 1.13.14

Dear Rhonda and Dr. Cheri,

I am a grown man who has carried around with him the burden of not jumping to the defense of a girl in my class when I was in high school and she was being ridiculed, bullied and I suspect worse.

I was too embarrassed to say anything because the guys were somewhat friends of mine. The girl was very kind and beautiful inside and out. I still remember the hurt in her eyes because I didn’t stick up for her. She probably thought of me as her friend because I did talk with her in one of my classes. I am sorry! However, I can’t shake that feeling that I should have, would have and so on. Now I have a daughter and I would never want her to hurt like that and not have someone help her out.
What can I do?


Ashamed Man

Dear Ashamed Man,

Thank you sincerely for being a “stand-up” man. You have helped to start healing many hearts today, just by telling girls everywhere that you are sorry. Your apology will also give many girls hope. Hope that boys who may not stand up for them now, might stand up for them when they are grown men. You give hope to girls that guys may mature enough to take responsibility to not ever let a girl be humiliated, hurt or “worse”.

Boys need to be taught to be gentlemen and girls need to be taught to be ladies. This creates a civil society.

You are remorseful and that will start the process of forgiving yourself and others. How wonderful to be on the path of finding personal peace! You are also on the path of being a good example for your daughter. Start your daughter on the Triangle of Triumph pathway which is going from Victim to Survivor to Leader.

This will help her to be less vulnerable to bullying. Teach her that if she becomes a victim, she does not have to remain one. She may learn to define herself and then learn to be a leader.

Start a dialogue with her and help her to know that she does not have to feel badly if someone violates her with words or actions that hurt her in any way. So often the victim feels ashamed for no good reason, other than she may not feel good enough about herself.

Let her know you are there to protect her and that is your job as her parent. Reassure her that she is a daughter of God and she has great worth. Tell her to never fear telling an authority figure, if anyone does or says cruel things to her.

Show her you care and put her in classes that develop her sense of well being. Help her find her talents (internal and external). Have her identify and define those talents; such as compassion and a sport or something artistic. Have her focus on those talents for six months and then reassess her desire to continue or to find more talents. Six months is necessary in order to develop the value of commitment and the talent, of course.

One last effort you could make, if you know the name of the girl that has been haunting you, find her and tell her you are sorry. She may or may not be receptive but that isn’t the point. It may help heal her and you!

Congratulations. Now, forgive yourself and help anti-bully endeavors in any way you can.

Thank you for being a conscientious and civil person. We need more civility in our world!


Rhonda and Dr. Cheri

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